


Black Sweater

by AbsolutelyMango



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Hurt/Comfort, Trans Character, aka almost everyone is trans in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:09:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22946836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AbsolutelyMango/pseuds/AbsolutelyMango
Summary: Dysphoria strikes in ways you don't expect.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 91





	Black Sweater

He loves the black sweater. Its fabric feels nice, it rather big and covers most of his upper body, plus it has beautiful embroidered flowers that he thought were really lovely. Sure it was a bit more snug than he was used to, but it was beautiful.

He didn't have any full length mirrors in his house, he only had a few hand mirrors and the one mirror attached to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. He only saw how well the sweater had looked on his torso, making him look slimmer and not showing his binder through the fabric. It was perfect! 

From what he could see.

He didn't see how it made his hips seem to flare out more with the new shirt. He was used to ignoring glimpses of himself in reflective surfaces and the amount of people surrounding him on the commute to the institute hid the shape of his shadow from himself. Once at the institute, it wasn't very hard to fall into work and focus on the things that mattered there, like sorting statements, researching, making sure Jon took breaks, and planning how to get some evidence for one of the statements.

It was when he was going to touch up his makeup that he noticed.

The mirrors in the archives was bigger and tilted towards the floor, giving employees a better look at themselves. So he got an almost full body view at how much wider his hips looked in this outfit.

He didn't like that.

It didn't fit him.

It didn't belong on him.

It bothered him.

The wide hips and belly rolls wasn't a good look on him.

He shook his head then tried to quickly fix up his makeup so that he could get back to work and forget what he saw.

But he couldn't forget what he saw and it haunted him when he tried to focus. He knew that he shouldn't be so worried about his appearance, that he was the only one noticing that his body was like this, that if someone else had a body like this he would like them, but it was his body, he noticed and he didn't like it.

Once it started getting too hard to see through his tears, he pushed the papers away and wiped at his eyes, trying not to sniffle as he wiped the useless tears away. No matter how much he wiped, new tears arose with more force and his breathing was getting a bit difficult. He couldn't help the soft sobs he was making and it was frustrating himself. 

Surely, as an adult, he should be over crying to himself about a body no one else cared for. It's not like anyone else notices anything new about his body, he's the only one who gives a damn about himself. No one-

There's a knock at his door.

He tries to sniff up the snot running down his nose, but it turns into a loud snort. Well, if he wanted to hide, he couldn't now, it was probably loud enough that whoever was at the door could hear. So he settled for wiping his face as clean as he could and yelling for just a minute. Once his face felt mostly dry, he gets up and opens the door.

It's Jon, who looks uncomfortable.

"Hey, uh, what do you need?" He hated how soft and weak his voice sounded.

They look at him, eyes glancing around his face, probably noting everything wrong with it.

"Jon?" There was the uncomfortable moment of being seen and exposed to them.

They seem to snap back to the moment. "I.. do you...do you want some tea?"

Despite himself, he gives a surprise laugh. "Sorry, sorry, uh.. yeah. Tea would be nice."

"Tea, yes tea. Uh..." They look like their about to leave, decides against it and just yells down the hallway. "Sasha!"

"What?" She yells back.

"Can you make some tea?"

"Why don't you get Martin to do it?"

"The tea's for him!"

"Oh shit. Yeah can I make some tea!" They hear her walking to the break room and Martin can help the smile he's getting.

"You didn't have to get her involved."

"Probably." They seem to consider that, then turns the other way and yells again. "Tim!"

"What?" He yells back.

"Do you remember where to spare blanket is?"

"Sort of!"

"Can you bring it to Martin's office?"

"Sure thing, boss!" Then his foot steps go in a different direction.

Martin lets out a noise that starts as a groan then turns into a laugh. "Jon, what are you doing?"

They blush slightly and almost pout when they frown, as if the answer was obvious. "Trying to help."

"But why?"

They shrug, looking sheepish. "Can I come in?"

He was about to continue questioning them, but decided that at least if they were in the office, then they might have some privacy during his melt down. "Fine, sure, yeah, come in." 

"Thank you." They walk in and sit in the seat in front of Martin's desk. 

"So.."

"So?"

"Why are you doing this?" Martin asks, feeling tears starting to form again and knowing that his makeup was absolutely ruined. Jon was going to see the ugly side of him and he hated that. Fuck, his vision was getting blurry and his face warm. "Why get the others involved? Why do you care?"

Jon sighs through their nose, leaning over the desk and offering their hand for Martin to hold. He takes it, feeling how much his body was shaking compared to their solid grip. He gripped their hand with both of his and started to sob, not looking at them, but refusing to let go of them. He was aware that he was saying things, but his brain wasn't processing his own words. His brain did process the noises that Jon was making. They were soft words, words he didn't expect to sound comforting.

"It's ok to not like every part of yourself."

"W-what?" He hiccups, looking up at Jon.

They lay their other hand over his hands. "You are working towards a you that you will love. The current you will be lost to time and although you don't like the current you, you are loved by others."

Martin thinks he was going to say something, probably, but whatever he had intended to say was lost when there was a knock at the door before it immediately opened. In stepped Tim with a rather large quilt and Sasha holding a mug.

"Someone moved the bedding to a different room." Tim says, unceremoniously wrapping it around Martin.

"Hopefully, we didn't take too long." She kicked the door closed behind her and set the mug on the desk before moving to hug Martin. "Water takes too long to boil."

He sniffs, very aware that he looked like a mess in front of the most important people in his life, but he didn't want to pull his hands away from Jon's to grab tissue. "Sorry..."

"What for?" Tim asks, pushing blue hair from Martin's forehead.

"Everything? Nothing? This, just... just all this." He sadly chuckles. "I'm a mess. We have work to do, I haven't done half of what I should have, and I just look like overall shit."

"Ssshhhhh." Sasha rubs his arm through the blanket and pulls the tissues closer, then pulls out a few and rubs his face. "Over thinking time is over. It's time for office cuddles."

That gets a startled laugh from him. "What?"

"We've decided that we need a new team bonding activity. Monopoly isn't working." Tim says, moving things in the room to expose more of the floor.

"Says you." Jon smirks.

"So!" Tim ignores Jon, steeping outside for a moment before bringing in a plastic tub full of blankets. He pulls out a few and lays them on the floor. "We decided a different approach might help in case of emergencies such as this."

"When did you decide this?" Martin looks between the three of them.

"Last week during our archives meeting. Elias was outvoted." Jon says, carefully moving around the desk to help Sasha move Martin. They actually didn't tell Elias, so by default, Sasha's idea was put into play.

"And you just didn't tell me?" He looks between them all.

"It was Tim's job to tell you." Sasha pointed out, glaring at him.

Tim shrugs, throwing down some pillows. "Got busy getting information from a hotel owner."

Martin laughs as he sits on the blanket, wiping away new tears. "So what? If one of us feels bad, the others just come into their office and try to make them feel better?"

"More or less." Jon nods, moving the mug from the desk and into Martin's hands.

Martin smiles, sipping his tea. It didn't fix his problems, but he did feel better sitting with friend on the floor and talking about things unrelated to work. At one point, Sasha and Jon helped him put his makeup back on while Tim went to raid some snack from the break room. He felt happy and loved for the first time in a long while.

Sure, getting busted by Elias wasn't a fun thought, but he was too happy to care about that. All that existed at the moment was his friends, some tasty snacks, and whatever Tim and Jon were arguing about this time.

Life is good and will be good.

**Author's Note:**

> aka, I realized I had some dysphoria about my body and decided to put it on Martin then get him some comfort


End file.
